Musician Jokes
In spite of how many we've heard there seem to be hundreds more out there. Here's some for a good laugh.
If you have any more shoot me an email below
If you have any more shoot me an email below
A woman appears before a judge for having beaten her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her,” First offender?” To which she replied,” No Your Honor, first a Gibson then all the rest!”
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: Whats the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?
A: Eventually the bond matures and begins to earn money
Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knock keeps getting louder and faster.
Relative minor: a guitarist's girlfriend
Q: How do you get a bass player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree in music?
A: Night manager at McDonald's
Q: How can you tell when a rock diva's at your door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
I asked a buddy, "Hey! Did you hear my last recital?" He said, "I hope so!"
I told my mom when I was grown up I wanted to be a musician. She said, "Honey, you can't do both!"
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz?
start with 2 million.
The Steel player was bragging to the band that he could play 32nd notes but they didn't believe him, so he played them one.
What's a guy called who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What's the difference between and drummer and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one arsehole at a time.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
A guy who owns an accordion, but won't play it.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
The ability to throw a banjo into a toilet without hitting the sides.
Whaddaya get when you drop an accordion down a mine shaft?
A-Flat Minor.
Whaddaya get when you drop an accordion over an army base?
A-Flat Major.
What's the definition of a button accordion?
Two harmonicas on roller skates.
How do you know there's a singer knocking at your door?
He never knows when to come in.
What's the proper instrument with which to play a Bodhran?
A pen knife.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a Bodhran?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
When you're lost in the desert and come upon two bodhran players, how do you tell the one that's real and the one that's a mirage?
The mirage is keeping time.
What's the range on an oboe?
About fifty yards.
There's an orange and a bodhran rolling down the road. What's the difference between the two?
The orange is probably going to a gig.
How do you terrify a guitarist?
Put sheet music in front of him.
What's the dfference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
A musician won the Lotto. When asked what he was going to do, he said, "I'll keep gigging until the money runs out".
What's the difference between a deer and an orchestra?
On a deer, the horns are in the front and the arsehole's in the back.
A conductor was having an awful time with a percussionist and gave him a dressing-down in front of the entire orchestra. He said that when someone simply couldn't hack it as a musician and all remedial methods failed, they gave him a pair of sticks and called him a drummer. At which time came a stage whisper from the percussion section, "And when he can't even make it there, they take away one of his sticks and call him a conductor".
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes
Why are so many drummer jokes one-liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them
Recently overheard:
“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
If you drop a bass player, rhythm guitarist, lead guitarist and watermelon off a tall building, which hits the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the definition of an optimist?
A guitar player with a mortgage.
What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a guitarist’s arm?
A tattoo.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
Evidently, all of them.
How do you keep your guitar from being stolen?
Put it in a bass case.
How are bass players like linoleum?
Lay them once and a chick can walk on them forever.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why do some people have an instant aversion to bass players?
It saves time in the long run.
What's the difference between a bass and a guitar?
Not that much, but the guitar looks a lot smaller because the player’s head is so big.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
12: One to change the bulb and 11 to say they could do it better.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Did you hear about the band that locked their keys in the van?
They had to break the window to let the bass player out.
What do you call a bass player with half a brain?
Gifted.
Two guys were walking down the street. One was destitute.
The other was a guitar player, too.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarist’s car?
Take the Domino's sign off the roof.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bass player in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
How can you tell when your guitarist is out of tune?
His hand starts moving.
Why are bass player’s brains so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
Why do lead guitarists walk around the stage when they play?
To get away from the sound.
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
His amplifier.
Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: Whats the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?
A: Eventually the bond matures and begins to earn money
Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knock keeps getting louder and faster.
Relative minor: a guitarist's girlfriend
Q: How do you get a bass player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree in music?
A: Night manager at McDonald's
Q: How can you tell when a rock diva's at your door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
I asked a buddy, "Hey! Did you hear my last recital?" He said, "I hope so!"
I told my mom when I was grown up I wanted to be a musician. She said, "Honey, you can't do both!"
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz?
start with 2 million.
The Steel player was bragging to the band that he could play 32nd notes but they didn't believe him, so he played them one.
What's a guy called who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What's the difference between and drummer and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one arsehole at a time.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
A guy who owns an accordion, but won't play it.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
The ability to throw a banjo into a toilet without hitting the sides.
Whaddaya get when you drop an accordion down a mine shaft?
A-Flat Minor.
Whaddaya get when you drop an accordion over an army base?
A-Flat Major.
What's the definition of a button accordion?
Two harmonicas on roller skates.
How do you know there's a singer knocking at your door?
He never knows when to come in.
What's the proper instrument with which to play a Bodhran?
A pen knife.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a Bodhran?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
When you're lost in the desert and come upon two bodhran players, how do you tell the one that's real and the one that's a mirage?
The mirage is keeping time.
What's the range on an oboe?
About fifty yards.
There's an orange and a bodhran rolling down the road. What's the difference between the two?
The orange is probably going to a gig.
How do you terrify a guitarist?
Put sheet music in front of him.
What's the dfference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
A musician won the Lotto. When asked what he was going to do, he said, "I'll keep gigging until the money runs out".
What's the difference between a deer and an orchestra?
On a deer, the horns are in the front and the arsehole's in the back.
A conductor was having an awful time with a percussionist and gave him a dressing-down in front of the entire orchestra. He said that when someone simply couldn't hack it as a musician and all remedial methods failed, they gave him a pair of sticks and called him a drummer. At which time came a stage whisper from the percussion section, "And when he can't even make it there, they take away one of his sticks and call him a conductor".
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes
Why are so many drummer jokes one-liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them
Recently overheard:
“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
If you drop a bass player, rhythm guitarist, lead guitarist and watermelon off a tall building, which hits the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the definition of an optimist?
A guitar player with a mortgage.
What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a guitarist’s arm?
A tattoo.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
Evidently, all of them.
How do you keep your guitar from being stolen?
Put it in a bass case.
How are bass players like linoleum?
Lay them once and a chick can walk on them forever.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why do some people have an instant aversion to bass players?
It saves time in the long run.
What's the difference between a bass and a guitar?
Not that much, but the guitar looks a lot smaller because the player’s head is so big.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
12: One to change the bulb and 11 to say they could do it better.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Did you hear about the band that locked their keys in the van?
They had to break the window to let the bass player out.
What do you call a bass player with half a brain?
Gifted.
Two guys were walking down the street. One was destitute.
The other was a guitar player, too.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarist’s car?
Take the Domino's sign off the roof.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bass player in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
How can you tell when your guitarist is out of tune?
His hand starts moving.
Why are bass player’s brains so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
Why do lead guitarists walk around the stage when they play?
To get away from the sound.
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
His amplifier.
Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.